b*tchin n luvin it!

i know its the holidays and i should be taking advantage of all the free time to study but unfortunately for me i have a very short attention span.so after sitting down to read literature for 5 minutes,i watched 4 episodes of sex & the city,each episode takes about 40 minutes so i spent 160 minutes becoming an idiot in front of the idiot box.thus i had to cancel my sleepover with my best friend coz i felt so guilty.now i feel so stupid coz i’ve just wasted 3 days of my supposed study holiday.shit….

well,now that i’ve throughly screwed up my AS exams i have to resit my papers soon.my resolution is simple,i vow to use my time wisely and efficiently.while i’m at home i plan too stay away from the tv,but the laptops fine coz i get to look for lit and socio notes online.(at the same time i get to post a blog or two)

hopefully when i go back to KMS i’ll have a lot of notes to stick on the wall of my room.i miss it so much,esp. the bed coz it’s so soft…like clouds.amyways,its quite boring to be stuck at home all alone but i guess its better coz then i can study.but still its very boring and quiet.don’t reAlly like it.

anyways,yesterday sent sureen off at klia.shes the first of the three biatches to fly…gonna miss her esp. now since i’m on holiday.but fatin is still around.hopefully next week i’ll be able to sleep over at hr place,since i can send her off on the 6th of sept.kinda depressing that my best buds and i will be so far away from each other,but hey,life goes on right?

since evrything happens for a good reason,i’m happy for sureen and fatin coz they’ll be able to enjoy life overseas,something i think a lot of ppl wish they could experience.i hope that i will be able to share a similiar fate,though i’ll only be going to the LAND OF THE LAMBS(NZ)(that is if i can get the required 13 pts to fly),at lesat i’ll be over the sea.

i took an extremely radical move and decided to move into a new room by myself on the top floor of the dorm.my new room,f215 still  has a forest view which i love waking up to on sunday mornings.however my new room brought more than just unlimited freedom.

at first i was pretty afraid about moving upstairs by myself since i’ve heard of all sorts of scary things going on.but after cleaning up the room,i couldn’t help but feel drawn to it,as if it was meant for me.with every item i moved into the room,my excitement grew and all i wanted to do was finish getting all my stuff there so i couldofficially call it MY room

the idea of moving into a new room wasn’t something new.but i actually sat down and considered about it on saturday afternoon.by night time i had started the shift and i finished just before 11PM.

even though i had stuff all over the room,i knew exactly where everything was.it didn’t bother me one bit that the room was extremely messy.one by passer even jokingly asked me if it was a room or a storeroom.the clutter gave me tranquility.

at dawn on sunday i woke up for subuh prayers without assistance from anybody for the first time.however i couldn’t restrain myself from sleeping in.but when i woke up at around 10 o’clock i was greet by the sound of birds chirping and the smell of sunday morning rain.i immediately fell in love with the room.

(i kid u not about the chirping birds and sunday rain)

by afternoon,i had officially settled in.my locker was arranged and i had just hung out my first bucket of laundry.then i heardthe azan indicating it was time for zohor prayers.and without hesitation,i went to the toilet to take air sembahyang and went for jemaah prayers in the surau.i have to say that i have been keeping up with this new tradition till this day.a fellow surau goer even said that since i started going to the surau with her,more and more ppl are starting to go to the surau too.i hope that i will continue to once i return to college after the holidays.

i hope that i won’t waste my 13 day holiday seing that i’m exdtremely pressed for time.hopefully when i go back to college i’ll be able to decorate the walls of my new room with notes i’ve created over the hols.hopefully…

ehem ehem,living life in KMS creates a lot of unwanted pressure.the pressure comes mostly due to academic performance as we are supposed to show impressive results since we are under the SPC(skim pelajar cermelang) scheme.however if one should fail to reach the high standards set before the,then one would receive many negative remarks from the authorities e.g threats of being dropped from SPC,which would coz one to feel depressed.however pressure not only comes from academic life but also social life,if u have one.

being a female,one will definitely face oppression in a patriarchal society.male domination happens in every aspect of life.a girl can never hope to hold a pressidential post in a association that would benefit both genders e.g editorial board as the males cannot supress their ego to dominate everything.which again leads to depression.

yet with all this pressing going on,some people can find joy in living/studying in KMS…

*spelling errors are intentional for pun effect.

ok so we’ve received the analysis to explain our AS results and the components are so screwed up check it out:

MATHS :stats-C,pure 1-A……grade-C

LIT      :poetry&prose-C,drama-D…..grade D

*SOCIO :paper 1-Ungraded(?),paper 2-A grade C

it was such a heartbreaker to look at the socio results because for paper 2 i scored the ultimate high and for paper 1 i didn’t score at all…..T.T….but pn.muna and pn azlina aren’t rubbing salt into our flesh wounds…they are being so bloody supportive.really thank god we have them.it doesn’t matter if the whole world doesn’t understand what kind of hell we’ve been thru and how hard we’ve worked because they understand and that matters…..

as much as i love lit and socio its such a bitch to read it all up again.but its not that hard la…so i’m gonna give it my all!!!hell yeah gonna score 3A’s for AS this november!!!!!

today i’m just not feeling like myself.i can’t seem to focus on anything at all,all i feel like doing is taking a nice long nap.things are slowly getting back on track.classes have begun and we are back into the routine but somehow i still don’t feel like i’m really here.its depressing coming back to college.

but anyways i had a good weekend lepaking with sureen & gang at her jamuan makan makan.got to meet all the old SMSJ faces,and the HACC ppl….really enjoyed myself being aroung my biatches fatin & sureen.damn i’m gonna miss them so much when they leave….T.T….but it ain’t like the first we’ve been apart,since both of them ran off to MRSMBP during f4&5.so i guess there won’t be much of a diff just that i won’t see them for a long time.but i’m sure time will go by so fast that before i realise they’ve left,they’ll be back.hey the last four years just went by like that,so what makes these anymore diffrent right?

before i got my AS results,i was absolutely confident that i would score an A for both sociology & lit.the only subject i was worried about was maths,thinking i might get a D or even fail.but the results i got were completelt not what i had expected.i got CDC,C for socio,D for lit and C for maths.during the hols i had said that i would not mind resitting maths,in fact  i had expected it.but me and my other classmates said that we didn’t even want to think about the idea of re3sitting either socio or lit and unfortunately we have to do both.as far as i’m concerned i am in way over my head coz it is going to be extremely hard to juggle between AS n A2 plus if i dont do well for the AND a new play,which will be terrible!but whatever it is i definitely will be going thru hell,what more with the girls flying off top continue their studies soon.

its hard to have given my 110% and not get a good grade.i was never really morally depressed by the fact that the results were bad,partly because i believed that i had given my all,that something had gone wrong somewhere else and that it wasn’t that i was lazy or didn’t study or something like that.true enough,my teachers diagnosed that we were just not answering the question the way we should have.we had our facts straight,but theres more to sociology and lit then just vomitting out the facts and quoting the lines.theres analyisis,criticising and worst of all,questioning the question,something i don’t have the skill to do yet.but hopefully i will be able to overcome that.

back to my ar6guement.i wasn’t upset because i didn’t get an A,i was upset that the people who understood my predicamentwere  my teachers and peers,not my family.thru out the whole week,my friends were consoled by their family memebers.when i sat down with my mum and told her what had happened she started this whole rambling bout how i could have done better.sometimes i dont know why i share anything with her coz she had said it herself,because she doesn’t see me on campus,she doesn’t know what i do there.i guess only our teachers saw how hard we worked,how determined we were to do well,and how when we didn’t we all broke down at the same time,crumbling to the ground into one heap of bodies on the floor.only our teachers saw how miserable we were the day after,they saw us at the lowest of our low,heart broken,demotivated,vulnerable.and the ones who helped me get back on my feet were my teachers,all my family did was bring me down.ii guess i’m on my own for this one.

next week means i have to start afresh,a new spirit,a new drive.i can’t help but think about how hard it will be for me to reenergize and literally study the whole day,but i’m a topugh nut,and i hope i can pull thru.

my life couldn’t be any worse.a cousin of mine  just passed away,unfortunately i won’t be able to attend his funeral.i just received my AS results which is beyond my expectation in a really bad way.my teacher was so upset she actually started crying…that was hard to watch.everything seems to be moving in slow motion and it hasn’t really sunken in yet.damn this is not a good day to be alive.

after completing my AS exam,i thought it would be such a long wait till the 8th of august.i’ve been keeping myself so occupied that the days keep flying past and the 8th of august has finally crept up on me,silently.i only have 3 more days to go before i find out my AS results and i don’t have anymore nails to bite.my hair is thinning coz i’ve been pulling at it and my textbooks are full of scribblings because i can’t seem to focus in class.i didn’t think being left in the drk would cause so much distress.i didn’t get this worked up for SPM though.maybe it’s because i knew i wasn’t going to do well.i really don’t want to resit my lit or socio paper.i don’t mind and unfortunately i’m expecting to have to resit mathematics.but i hope i’ll be able to scrape a B for that…hopefully…man this is insane!!!!!

ok so my college has this kinda cool thing going on.there’s this huge scrabble board and it just started up again and me and my roomie di are like scrabble freaks so were like always looking into a dictionary to find a word.well its sort of becoming an obssession.

and i know i was so bitching about hiking yesterday but i think i’m kinda hooked on to it coz all i ever think about is how i could have done better going up nuang.i keep wondering now that i know what its like,whether i can do it on my own,without berg or lopak taking my bag…-_-"…even though it was very sweet and all,but i hate being so dependent….-_-"..ok i’m gonna stop now….